she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
