my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i think i have two assholes
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
