I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
