hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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