I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
