Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
