If i come over, it means nothing
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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