I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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