Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
