I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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