I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
