no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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