Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
