mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
