I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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