I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
