2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
