So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
