It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
