Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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