college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
