my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
