I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
