The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I AM VODKA MAN
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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