why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
