Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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