Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize