Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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