Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
