You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
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