i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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