The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
