He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
don't judge my taste in strippers
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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