my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I don't deserve a penis
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
