Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
