Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
