I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
