when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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