I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
