He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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