Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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