I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
whose parrot is this?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
