Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize