I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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