I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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