My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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