She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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