to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
