he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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