My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
