Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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