Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
