Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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