??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
