I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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