her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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