she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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