He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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