please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
