Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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