I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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