So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
