theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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