Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
