my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
