What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize