Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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