I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
